if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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