Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
