The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just cropdusted the office
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
