I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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