Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I have already put on my inside pants.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
