omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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