We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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