Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
