did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
