Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
