We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm always down for nudity.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
