I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
