my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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