You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
