I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
