I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We are two peas in an std pod
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
