LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
