insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
