If that was your dad, he is hot
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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