please come you make the beer taste better
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
