I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
