Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
