Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
it's like iHOP with fire
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
