Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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