Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
