My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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