my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
