she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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