____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
