call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
