I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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