It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
