I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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