Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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