That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize