I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
