I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
