Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
