you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
