so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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