I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
