I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
