Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
