I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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