i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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