He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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