Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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