the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i've created a new STD.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
