i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
