Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
