my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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