Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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