i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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