Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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