there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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