im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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