I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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