I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
