I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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