The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
