i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
