turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
