Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
