I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
