So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
