I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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