I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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